I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
