Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
