I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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