just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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