someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
