i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
