i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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