meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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