Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My room smells like vodka and shame
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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