My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
