yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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