he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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