She is in my trunk
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
