just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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