i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
