Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
