Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
