so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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