when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
