Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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