You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
