no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
