I need to stop coming to work sober
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
