Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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