god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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