broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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