Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan