Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
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