If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
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I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
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WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude