stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Randomize
