One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.