You just made me feel so damn special
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS