just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load