I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me