I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.