I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
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We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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