I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
