You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
