Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
