I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
