he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
