My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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