She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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