Small penises have feelings too.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
