A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So squirting runs in the family.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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