ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
