Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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