If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
