Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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