Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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