everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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