I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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