I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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