how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
