a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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