Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Couch. On fire.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
