he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
