If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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