Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I smell stomach acid.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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