Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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