i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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