I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
