So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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