Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
