Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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