Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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