Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
MIDGETS
????
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
